sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Randomize
