I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize