If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
