what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
