If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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