he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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