Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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