I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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