What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How does one acquire holy water?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
