He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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