Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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