Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
