I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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