I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Randomize
