I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize