mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
