Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
