All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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