I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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