I can text with my tongue
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
