Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
