Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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