I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
