I want to make a zoo with you.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
