you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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