last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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