Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize