He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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