I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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