No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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