I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
