I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
