Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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