in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
