mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
