3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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