I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
then he tried to convert me to islam
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
