Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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