My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
