i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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