you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
