I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
