The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
