I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
