I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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