So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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