apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
