i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
