So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
