I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
