Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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