I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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