Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize