Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
