This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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